Spread your love like a fever

Im recovering from the most social week in my life in the past 6-8 months, two of my hipster bombay friends had come to delhi to attend a super wedding, and they really wanted to hang out with me. The last three times they came to Delhi, I couldn't meet them for a host of reasons - was genuinely busy, was in a funk, was feeling asocial or was out of town. 

Anyway met them, drank too much, smoked too much pot, my head is heavy and body is reeling under side effects. I actually met a bunch of really talented individuals who work in music, photography and cinema making, they were articulate and really talented. I could obviously read my experience in two ways - either be massively depressed looking at these super achieving people of my age or be inspired. I think I choose the latter, it is only wise. Where has envy and jealousy ever really got us? But I see a lot of people regularly drown themselves in that bile, especially when it comes to love. What is about wanting someone's attention and love? sometimes so desperately that you begin stalking them, their friends and then draw conclusions drenched in paranoia and cry your eyes out? In the past 2 or 3 months, Ive really seen some fine individuals doing that. Love is important, and pining is okay I guess but whats up with this obsession? 

Then I also realise that me and my friends are racing towards the 30s and for them it is a desperate time, they feel they are getting too old, everybody nice is already taken and they will never find love. Ive seen a few acquaintances who used to mock young girls wanting to marry early, and then when they turned to their late twenties, they chose to get married because well age, parents and what not. If it is going to be something that you would choose later, then why the fuck mock those girls who want it early in their lives? Seriously you guys get your shit together. 

As much as Ive resisted this in the past couple of years, I am back to smoking pot and rolling cigarettes. I really enjoy it, it is not interfering with my life or my mind in any way just that it may just be killing me. I cant understand this side of me - wanting to eat clean food, no sugar/dairy but then smoke up later in the evening. Wanting good health on one hand and ruining it on the other. Not like I cant do without it, but I like carrying my stuff whenever I go see a couple of friends. 

Have also become increasingly lazy, barring a couple of friends who live in the same locality as me, I havent really ventured out. We went to Hauz Khas that day and I was almost crying because it is too much to travel and I hate this stupid Delhi weather. 

My cats are well and fine, havent read anything phenomenally beautiful in a while. Thats about it for now. 

A little pesticide cant hurt

New year, new practices. Must blog regularly.

Was reading up on Chinky's blog, and I think I like the idea of cataloguing what I eat everyday because I've been a little obsessive about what I eat in the past couple of months. It doesn't hurt to be fit, and I have reached an age where laziness doesn't look so cute anymore.

What I ate

1. Breakfast: Apple, black coffee, peanut butter sandwich [whole wheat bread]
2. Lunch: Egg curry rice [2 eggs, a small helping of rice]
3. Evening snack: black tea [without sugar] + roasted chana [handful]
4. Dinner: a small bowl of oats.

Zero on the exercise front because it is so cold, oh my god.

Also, there are two manuscripts in the making. Yes, you read me right. But at the rate I am going, I do not think they'll ever see the light of the day. Both of them fall under the young adult fiction category. There is no book deal yet, but the editors are kind enough to write to me regularly and ask me how I am doing on that front.

One of them said something very profound to me when we had a talk about writing a book for the first time [he used to read one of my blogs] - He thought I had a voice, which should be preserved. But whether that would happen is completely dependent on me. He said 'Be selfish with your time and your self, do not wile it away like this'. I dont know why but it really struck me. I give myself away too easily.

In the past couple of years, I have cut away from quite a few people who seemed to be quite important to me then, I simply moved away. Because it never made sense to ask them why did you do this? My therapist once told me that I should be giving people more chances, relationships do not work this way, that one cannot be so absolute. But I think betrayal strikes hard only when there was a lot of affection, and then it feels stupid to ask them 'I thought we were good friends?. But mostly I've realised it is good to have a reason to drift apart, when you dont have them, it is so hard to find a closure.

Anyway, I have a manuscript deadline coming up in February, then they'll take 2-3 months to evaluate. So I have decided to write a bit every day. However bad, however incoherent.

I love Courtney Barnett. I think she writes for me. For people like me. I love this video. I am that shark riding the bicycle, that image is quite telling of how my thesis writing is going.

--

Jen insists that we buy organic vegetables
And I must admit that I was a little skeptical at first
A little pesticide can't hurt
Never having too much money, I get the cheap stuff at the supermarket
But they're all pumped up with shit
A friend told me that they stick nicotine in the apples

If you can't see me, I can't see you

Dead Fox by Courtney Barnett, watch the video here: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Njb3JTZ1ibY