shake it down

I feel so fagged out, thanks to the low carb diet. My friend tells me this will happen for a couple of weeks, I'll get headaches, feel dizzy, cranky etc but once my body adjusts to it, it will not hurt so much.

I slept for 4 hours in the afternoon and I am yawning again as I type.

I have so much work to finish before I sleep, I think Im gonna die.

Parov Stelar feat. Marvin Gaye: Keep on dancing.

viva forever

Thats the name of a cheesy song by the Spice girls.

My friend K, or as I now call her, K dawg(I know, the 30s have hit us hard...on the head)...so yea K dawg left for her hometown yesterday and we really tried to not cry at the airport, but then we did. I mean we werent that kind of great friends before she got here, just that we knew each other for close to a decade. But us staying together, and both of us being at the same curve in our lives, I think we've built a different kind of solidarity and love. Last night I really felt lonely, I cried on the phone for a bit, looked at all our selfies taken in the past two months and in the morning I woke up feeling better.

I think its been a while that Ive known that I do not want a marriage kind of a family set up, I love companionship and I seek to make a different kind of a support infrastructure for myself. Hence, I really treasure my friendships. My friendships will be my lifelong relationships. So as friends we practiced not to place a romantic love above than the other relationships, and that the care an that sense of companionship is going to stretched beyond the partners'. So we try to be there for each other's important days. Its difficult, yes, its quite difficult actually, because then you are looking out for quite a few people at the same time and therefore having a few solid friendships helps, so that there'll be someone atleast!  Ive grown up in a family and society where women value their marriages above their personal relationships, because after a point their women friends also tend to do the same. Its a vicious circle, but its a circle, we hope to break.

So anyway getting back to the point, Ive realised the importance of building solid friendships and now I try, very hard, to do that. My therapist and I were talking about something and I realised that last time I really really made friends was maybe 2011 or 12? After that Ive only left friends behind, or they've given up on me and left. Ive not also seriously fallen in love, till date its the same old characters in my life. So thats why K leaving has left a hole in my heart. I miss having a wholesome friendship around me, which is not tiring and draining. 

Making new friends is such a suck. How does one even begin? I hope to magically find some answer to this someday, because who knows what tomorrow may bring?

I listen to a lot of Malian music these days, these guys are one of my favourites. They are both blind, Amadou lost his eyesight at 16 and Mariam at 5, look at them being just so ridiculously talented. 

You gotta know, I'm feeling love

K is leaving tomorrow. Oh the misery and the looming cloud of doom over my bed.

Its so hot in delhi that aam panna, jal-jeera and such do not have any effect.

I went to party ten days back and drank so much, by the end of it I was this drunk bumbling idiot, but I still managed to sing a song, and I guess thats what matters. Because otherwise Id feel like this complete fool.

Because K has been here and this was her last week, we spent it just eating everything, obviously the diet has gone down the drain. But I have discovered that I really like Korean food. And I really dig it man, totes.

In other news, I have finally placed an order for my much wanted Bialetti coffee maker. Moka pots, here I come!

Chet Faker: Gold (Check out the three women roller skatin' like its no effort really)

Instant crush

My favorite part of the day, even in this blistering heat, is, to come home and soak my feet in some epsom salt+lavender oil+mild soap+hot concoction.

Trying a LCHF diet and Im literally dying. I might as well be typing from my grave.

My friend, K, is leaving next week, clearly the departure feels like a day of doom.

Why are friendships so hard?

And then I watch 'em roll away again

I think eating watermelons is giving me an allergy, what sorcery is this. How to survive this cruel summer in Delhi without watermelons and roasted aam panna?

*

Its so easy to move on from friends when one is convinced of their betrayal to the camaraderie, but when it isnt so is. Its a simmering since of loss, which simmers for a long while indeed.

*

A friend of atleast 10 years, was staying with me for the past two months because she had archival work in delhi, and will now be flying back to the US of A. Loneliness will soon descend on me, because its first time in years I knew what it felt like to have someone around you from literal yester years.

Coming home - Leon Bridges

Safe to assume that nobody reads the blog anymore. I have nothing to write really, but jamming down some words on this page anyway. I dont even know why I opened the page today. Blogger.com I have known you for 13 years now. Long time huh

This my current fave track

Spread your love like a fever

Im recovering from the most social week in my life in the past 6-8 months, two of my hipster bombay friends had come to delhi to attend a super wedding, and they really wanted to hang out with me. The last three times they came to Delhi, I couldn't meet them for a host of reasons - was genuinely busy, was in a funk, was feeling asocial or was out of town. 

Anyway met them, drank too much, smoked too much pot, my head is heavy and body is reeling under side effects. I actually met a bunch of really talented individuals who work in music, photography and cinema making, they were articulate and really talented. I could obviously read my experience in two ways - either be massively depressed looking at these super achieving people of my age or be inspired. I think I choose the latter, it is only wise. Where has envy and jealousy ever really got us? But I see a lot of people regularly drown themselves in that bile, especially when it comes to love. What is about wanting someone's attention and love? sometimes so desperately that you begin stalking them, their friends and then draw conclusions drenched in paranoia and cry your eyes out? In the past 2 or 3 months, Ive really seen some fine individuals doing that. Love is important, and pining is okay I guess but whats up with this obsession? 

Then I also realise that me and my friends are racing towards the 30s and for them it is a desperate time, they feel they are getting too old, everybody nice is already taken and they will never find love. Ive seen a few acquaintances who used to mock young girls wanting to marry early, and then when they turned to their late twenties, they chose to get married because well age, parents and what not. If it is going to be something that you would choose later, then why the fuck mock those girls who want it early in their lives? Seriously you guys get your shit together. 

As much as Ive resisted this in the past couple of years, I am back to smoking pot and rolling cigarettes. I really enjoy it, it is not interfering with my life or my mind in any way just that it may just be killing me. I cant understand this side of me - wanting to eat clean food, no sugar/dairy but then smoke up later in the evening. Wanting good health on one hand and ruining it on the other. Not like I cant do without it, but I like carrying my stuff whenever I go see a couple of friends. 

Have also become increasingly lazy, barring a couple of friends who live in the same locality as me, I havent really ventured out. We went to Hauz Khas that day and I was almost crying because it is too much to travel and I hate this stupid Delhi weather. 

My cats are well and fine, havent read anything phenomenally beautiful in a while. Thats about it for now.