Spread your love like a fever

Im recovering from the most social week in my life in the past 6-8 months, two of my hipster bombay friends had come to delhi to attend a super wedding, and they really wanted to hang out with me. The last three times they came to Delhi, I couldn't meet them for a host of reasons - was genuinely busy, was in a funk, was feeling asocial or was out of town. 

Anyway met them, drank too much, smoked too much pot, my head is heavy and body is reeling under side effects. I actually met a bunch of really talented individuals who work in music, photography and cinema making, they were articulate and really talented. I could obviously read my experience in two ways - either be massively depressed looking at these super achieving people of my age or be inspired. I think I choose the latter, it is only wise. Where has envy and jealousy ever really got us? But I see a lot of people regularly drown themselves in that bile, especially when it comes to love. What is about wanting someone's attention and love? sometimes so desperately that you begin stalking them, their friends and then draw conclusions drenched in paranoia and cry your eyes out? In the past 2 or 3 months, Ive really seen some fine individuals doing that. Love is important, and pining is okay I guess but whats up with this obsession? 

Then I also realise that me and my friends are racing towards the 30s and for them it is a desperate time, they feel they are getting too old, everybody nice is already taken and they will never find love. Ive seen a few acquaintances who used to mock young girls wanting to marry early, and then when they turned to their late twenties, they chose to get married because well age, parents and what not. If it is going to be something that you would choose later, then why the fuck mock those girls who want it early in their lives? Seriously you guys get your shit together. 

As much as Ive resisted this in the past couple of years, I am back to smoking pot and rolling cigarettes. I really enjoy it, it is not interfering with my life or my mind in any way just that it may just be killing me. I cant understand this side of me - wanting to eat clean food, no sugar/dairy but then smoke up later in the evening. Wanting good health on one hand and ruining it on the other. Not like I cant do without it, but I like carrying my stuff whenever I go see a couple of friends. 

Have also become increasingly lazy, barring a couple of friends who live in the same locality as me, I havent really ventured out. We went to Hauz Khas that day and I was almost crying because it is too much to travel and I hate this stupid Delhi weather. 

My cats are well and fine, havent read anything phenomenally beautiful in a while. Thats about it for now. 

A little pesticide cant hurt

New year, new practices. Must blog regularly.

Was reading up on Chinky's blog, and I think I like the idea of cataloguing what I eat everyday because I've been a little obsessive about what I eat in the past couple of months. It doesn't hurt to be fit, and I have reached an age where laziness doesn't look so cute anymore.

What I ate

1. Breakfast: Apple, black coffee, peanut butter sandwich [whole wheat bread]
2. Lunch: Egg curry rice [2 eggs, a small helping of rice]
3. Evening snack: black tea [without sugar] + roasted chana [handful]
4. Dinner: a small bowl of oats.

Zero on the exercise front because it is so cold, oh my god.

Also, there are two manuscripts in the making. Yes, you read me right. But at the rate I am going, I do not think they'll ever see the light of the day. Both of them fall under the young adult fiction category. There is no book deal yet, but the editors are kind enough to write to me regularly and ask me how I am doing on that front.

One of them said something very profound to me when we had a talk about writing a book for the first time [he used to read one of my blogs] - He thought I had a voice, which should be preserved. But whether that would happen is completely dependent on me. He said 'Be selfish with your time and your self, do not wile it away like this'. I dont know why but it really struck me. I give myself away too easily.

In the past couple of years, I have cut away from quite a few people who seemed to be quite important to me then, I simply moved away. Because it never made sense to ask them why did you do this? My therapist once told me that I should be giving people more chances, relationships do not work this way, that one cannot be so absolute. But I think betrayal strikes hard only when there was a lot of affection, and then it feels stupid to ask them 'I thought we were good friends?. But mostly I've realised it is good to have a reason to drift apart, when you dont have them, it is so hard to find a closure.

Anyway, I have a manuscript deadline coming up in February, then they'll take 2-3 months to evaluate. So I have decided to write a bit every day. However bad, however incoherent.

I love Courtney Barnett. I think she writes for me. For people like me. I love this video. I am that shark riding the bicycle, that image is quite telling of how my thesis writing is going.

--

Jen insists that we buy organic vegetables
And I must admit that I was a little skeptical at first
A little pesticide can't hurt
Never having too much money, I get the cheap stuff at the supermarket
But they're all pumped up with shit
A friend told me that they stick nicotine in the apples

If you can't see me, I can't see you

Dead Fox by Courtney Barnett, watch the video here: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Njb3JTZ1ibY

Fun stuff

1: What would you name your future daughter?
Daughter

2: Do you miss anyone?
Yes. Very much.

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
Thanks? I guess.

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
Been told and have said. Built me up.

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
Finishing up a field work notes.

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
Stayed in

7: How late did you stay up last night?
Till 12 am

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Yes

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
Eating a peanut butter sandwich, contemplating doing yoga afterwards.

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
Yeah, didnt know that I didnt mean it when I said it.

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
I think yes, have almost given it up.

12: Have you pretended to like someone?
Never.

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Uhm..

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Maybe.

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Yes

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
..

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Lots of times

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
No

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
Not the bedroom

20: Who did you last see in person?
My cat.

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
Is the food ready? I am hungry - to my flatmate.

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
No

23: Have you ever been to Paris?
No

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes

25: Do you use chap stick?
ALWAYS

26: Who did you last share a bed with?
My cat.

27: Are you listening to music right now?
No

28: What is something you currently want right now?
To get a grip on my life.

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
Yes

30: How is your heart lately?
Soft. Tempered.

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
Yes

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
2 hrs back.

33: What do people call you?
Lost.

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Yes, lots of times.

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
A few

36: What are you listening to right now?
The fan spinning above my head.

37: What is wrong with you right now?
My head and heart, both hurt a bit.

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
Yes :)

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
I thrive on daydreaming. 

40: What is on your wrists right now?
Nothing.

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
Undateable. 

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
Not wearing shirt.

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
Yes

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
Yes

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
No

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
Finishing Murakami's book.

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
Yes, because things have been worse since.

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
Alone

49: Have you ever been to New York?
No

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Yes

flying

I cant believe that I just dont post as much as Id like to. But to give you an update since we last met on my blog

• moved out of my flat in May end after a coldwar with my flatmate, felt so glad and relieved. But then I spent a month stressing and looking for a new place. I couldnt get anything decent, so I moved into a friend's dad's empty apartment in May end, only to move out in the July first week. I have positively died a million deaths in the past two months. I cannot emphasise enough on how fucking difficult it is for women in Delhi - oh you smoke? we dont want our tenants to smoke (??!!!). Yes you read that right.
• Karim got back from the field but now he is off to Ladakh to shoot a documentary with his friend. I am so so so rushed that I dont have time for anything, including him...it makes me sad though. But I feel this is the most productive period of my life and his as well, plus given my history with relationships or crushes even, Id rather proceed at a snail speed. 
• I have traveled 11 times in the past two months. Sometimes Id reach Delhi on Sunday night and then go off somewhere on Wednesday night. I have done my laundry only 4 times, in the comfort of my home, in the past two months.
• The only good travel in the past two months was Goa, where I actually wore a swimsuit and water-buffaloed for a good while. I ate a lot of pork sorpotel, goan sausage rice and beer. Not to forget Bebinca <3
• Spent the last weekend attending a national meeting in Lucknow, protesting at a rally, slipping in a slush of mud and dung and injuring myself. Ugh. 

Not sure if it is a good thing or bad, but I almost forget people's names. In this national meeting that I attended, I saw a couple of women I knew sometime back but we had stopped talking. And frankly I didnt think it necessary to say hi, like why fucking pretend? I mean our friendship ran its course, you did something sad and I find it hard to reconcile with it, so let us just move on? I dont believe in social niceties, like too much pretence for a short life I say!

Anyway reached last night, slept for 12 hours straight, ran to get a bit of bank work done - I hate visiting the bank x(. Tried setting up my place, gave up after 40 minutes, made myself bread and eggs and a smoothie. Ate, drank while watching Louie Ck, slept off, woke up at 12 in the night to finish more work, and now after 2 cups of strong coffee, I am wide awake and blogging at 5. 

5

I have been traveling from this part of the country to that. Was in Kashmir last week and currently Im getting fried in somewhere in the forest belt of Central India. There was no electricity today for almost 4 hours in the afternoon, and I died in the heat. Plus here I have to wear your regular salwar-kameez with dupatta which really makes sure that you melt.

When I am away for weeks on such trips, it does get lonely. It is so difficult to go on like this without someone even kissing your cheeks.

4

All of Sunday was total waste. The only good thing about today was that I cleaned up my room finally. I really hate cleaning. I had a lot of time to waste so obviously I was reading trash online like how dirty rooms are full of negativity, and those people dont have their shit together and what not. I kept on reading and kept on feeling sad about myself.

And then I was like fuck it, and lit a cigarette. Called my masseuse over, got a nice nice massage, bathed, slept for 4 hours. Ordered some Tibetan food from this next door basement eat out thing. I have a mean headache because I slept with wet hair. I hope the crocin kicks in soon. Uggh. So pissed because of the headache.

It rained all of last night. Baba called to say that the mangoes fell off early because of the rain. Such a sad and depressing time for all the farmers. This is not cool, Summer, behave yourself.

Edith Piaf: La Foule (Bez Strukury Blend)

3

Hi from the library. Obviously I am not doing what I am supposed to do here - study. Instead I am devouring stuff on pinterest. The canteen has started serving some good chicken biryani, so just had biryani. Wanted a cola with it, and had it too...but it was hot, felt like acid going in. The fridge in the canteen got busted so well hot milkshakes and coke for one and all!

I woke up late and sleepy. Just showered somehow. Thank god that the tank water hasnt started heating up cuz I would positively die then. Cuz there are only so many buckets of water that you can fill and keep in the bathroom for later use. I am really dreading the summers.

Listening to love songs and smiling goofily :)