whaddya know

No seriously, whaddya know. I boarded the train armed with my two suitcases and an unnecessarily heavy backpack[looked like the tummy of a pregnant cow], only to get down at the next station because my ticket is for tomorrow's train. Oh man, I know 1001 ways to look like an irresponsible fool. 

On the work front, only a million nasty emails have been exchanged so far, drained beyond my capacity. I'm trying to channel some zen, and not responding to negativity. But some people only want to invisibilize your hard work and if you call out on that, they will try to gaslight you no end. 

I sometimes miss a corporate job, my previous bosses were absolute sweethearts as compared to these monsters I am dealing with right now. It doesnt help that they are part of the larger political fraternity that I organise with. 

I had to drop my cat Farookh at M's place since he very graciously offered to catsit him. Then I was running around buying some regular pound cakes and this one particular pineapple upside down cake at Defence Colony bakery for my mama. Then I went to Orissa state emporium to pick up a sambalpuri cotton. It was fucking hot, the sun was right there, doing its thing, cracking my skull with the heat. I had forgotten to carry a headscarf and my raybans. So I was squinting and puffing my way through the market. The bakery had good air conditioning, and how difficult was it to not drop dead on that cool marble floor snoring. 

I called SS and asked her if she was up for some lunch and buttermilk. SO we decided to meet at Sarvana Bhavan, then we went to this new chain of icecream shops - Havmor. We shared a berry blast sundae, which also pissed me off. I thought that huge white scoop on the blueberry flavoured scoop was vanilla, but damn you, it was just some whipped cream topped with strawberry syrup. <thumbsdown>

I came home, took a long bath. I have these new bath salts which I generally use for my warm/hot foot soaks because the last I could fit this body in that bucket was when I was a year old. I dont have bath tub but I wish I did. Damn.

I spent sometime adding more stuff to my compost pot, and then spent some time tending my plants. Then I went to the local DDA market to buy some beer, bought some vegetables as well. Came home, put on some really cheesy bollywood music and roasted the vegetables while drinking. 

Its just 9:30, but I feel like its twelve or something. My head is heavy but I can't sleep. I have spent so much money this month eating out that I am really ashamed of myself. My struggle with cigarettes continue, I go months without smoking and then one day I start chain-smoking like its going out of style. 

Thievery Corporation: Voyage Libre [loud volume] This is my new shower and dress song

Pause//Play

Having a phenomenally bad time at work, but I am looking forward to going home tomorrow after some 5 years. Yes. My relationship with the family has somewhat improved, though with my brother, it continues to be painful. But I am going home. 

Work life is stressful and precarious right now. I dont know what the fuck is happening, we didnt even get paid this month. Freelance research life sucks. But I feel I shouldnt be complaining much since Ive chosen this for myself. 

At an existential level, Im still discovering myself. Life is uncertain and I lack stability professionally and financially. The money is good but it comes and goes. 

--

You know its always the same fucking drill. Always. Why do I even bother? Friendships are somewhat sustainable. Love, unsustainable. And anyway my idea of love and intimacy has changed so much in the past few years, I mean I dont even relate to my 2012, or even 2013 self.  But isn't it awful when someone is devotedly in love? And you are like what is this feeling even. I was telling a friend, that more than half of my life Ive had depression+anxiety. I think till 2010, most of friends didn't even want to admit it to themselves, forget about helping me to come to terms with it. It has altered me in unspeakable ways, its a fact I am still reconciling with. But you know, how you say this to someone and they have this sympathetic twinkle in their eyes? gross. My idea of love right now is extreme fondness, but beyond that I don't know. Is it to unnatural to be actually happy by yourself? Hm. 

I dropped 16 kgs last year btw. But I drink coffee till my hands shake. 

Polo and K are coming to Delhi next month, we complete a decade of tumultuous friendship.

Currently reading: Home Going by Yaa Gyasi 

Listening to Happy Ending by Parov Stelar. I think its somewhat melancholic, the tune and I think of my great could have been moments when Im listening to it. Needless to say I listen to it often. 

I changed houses this past month. And now I am living alone with my two cats. I have wasted(or not) many languorous hours just drinking coffee and then not being able to work because I had too much coffee.

Huzzah

For the past 5 weeks, I haven't had all this stuff:

1. Sugar in any form, be it vegetable or fruit. Basically no salad dressing even.
2. No carbs, no pulses or legumes, no root vegetables.
3. No wheat, whole or otherwise.
4. No milk or yoghurt.
5. No soda or any kind of junk
6. No cornflour or starch based food.

I ate:

1. Lots of heavy cream, oil(coconut+olive), butter, cheese(all kinds) and cream cheese.
2. Have discovered the wonderful and safe replacement for sugar, Erythritol
3. Free-fed meat and fish and green vegetables like: green beans, peppers, spinach, cauliflower, brocolli, chinese lettuce etc. Took spirulina as well.
4. Learnt how to make my own mayo, almond milk, peanut butter and chocolate almond cupcakes.
5. Discovered the wonderful vegan chia pudding and chocolate mousse.
6. Thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated the simple bengali style vegetable jhols and also thai/korean food.

I've run twice a week, did yoga or pilates on alternate days.

And sisters, I have dropped 7 kgs in 5 weeks. I am a happy woman.

to go on

To buy Redmi phones on Amazon, one must wait for their weekly sales. And within a minute all the mobiles are sold, and you either log off disappointed or buy it for a few extra thousands on Flipkart, and that my friend, I will not.

Just back to Delhi and life feels slow. Boiled four eggs for breakfast and made a cup of coffee. Couldnt eat more than two eggs, my head feels heavy, a fat blunt heavy, but no blunt has been smoked.

Trying to send off work before I get fired. This girl I like, got me some lilies last night and my bedroom smells so nice. Though my cats knocked the vase off atleast twice and there was water all over the table, the second time around I didnt bother picking it up, knowing I'd be up in a couple of hours anyway.

My cats have become more ungrateful than usual, and one of them has become fat. All this when I was gone. I am sure its all the butter roti that my neighbours must be feeding Farookh.

But I think I've found something in you

My headache lasted for 12 days total. 12 days. Yeah, let that sink in, 12 days. 12 fucking days.

I went to the archives today, came back at around 5. Played with the cats for a bit, drank coffee(sans sugar) but loaded with cream. 

Im smoking so many cigarettes. Okay, so maybe not so many, but I am and given that I had completely stopped smoking, its really sad that I am back to smoking 3 a day.

Me and Nella(say hello to one of my closest friends) spent the last week completely baked watching crappy horror movies on this website. One of the movies was called Eat Local, and I guess it was a zombie movie. Eat local, seriously? would they name sequel 'Buy local produce'? I wouldn't surprised though, zombie movies have misplaced sense of horror, and they are generally shit. 

Blasted music in the bathroom while I bathed, I think its an under-rated joy. Also, later I put on a lotus flower serum korean face sheet mask and some classical music for my plants while I tended them. 

For dinner, I am making chocolate mousse(keto) and roasted chicken salad. Waiting for the grocer to send over the stuff so that I can get cooking. 

I have decided to follow this diet till my birthday, which is in September. I just need lots of resolve to not break it. Having been craving rice and pancakes and cupcakes so bad. Though in keto, you can make amazing cup cakes using loads of butter, stevia, almond flour, vanilla essence etc, but I am really having crazy sugar withdrawals so I just dream of having the icing more than the cake. 

Perhaps, post dinner I will have something interesting to write about. 

But I think I've found something in you

you hold my hand so close between yours

all this time I always thought it would be your hand

holding mine..

#sexymigraine

Past week has been hell because of the migraine, it was only in books and websites that headaches went for this long, till it happened to me. My head is a different kind of hell and is always ripping through the time-space continuum, so perhaps this the reason why the headache feels endless, so does my heart ache, and the feeling of ennui. 

Have spent the past 6 hours doing completely brain dead work with full concentration, though it is marred by my heart ache which is dull(and ingenuous, by the simple of virtue of having existed 14 months+), is not just dull, but annoying and persistent. Nothing makes it go away, I have started to fear that this will exist as long as I live. In my own humble opinion, I am hazaar fucked and doomed. Will I always be in love with the wrong people? Will it will always suck? Will I always be five feet besides myself and unhappy?

I have more or less been in the zone but something triggered a host of awful feelings last week, and I find it difficult to breathe.

Delhi summers has been lovely, if I may say so. I mean it showers pretty often, and evenings are pale, breezy and lovely. 

I am making enough money to make ends meet, and do a few other things. It all feels okay till I want to have more perspective and look at the larger picture. Wtf is a larger picture? I don't care if I have everything that I really want tomorrow, because right now is when I want it, because right now seems to extend forever and the tomorrow never really comes. 

Also, dating is generally bullshit in Delhi. Only morons on the offer, wondering if someone feels the same way about me.