Pause//Play

Having a phenomenally bad time at work, but I am looking forward to going home tomorrow after some 5 years. Yes. My relationship with the family has somewhat improved, though with my brother, it continues to be painful. But I am going home. 

Work life is stressful and precarious right now. I dont know what the fuck is happening, we didnt even get paid this month. Freelance research life sucks. But I feel I shouldnt be complaining much since Ive chosen this for myself. 

At an existential level, Im still discovering myself. Life is uncertain and I lack stability professionally and financially. The money is good but it comes and goes. 

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You know its always the same fucking drill. Always. Why do I even bother? Friendships are somewhat sustainable. Love, unsustainable. And anyway my idea of love and intimacy has changed so much in the past few years, I mean I dont even relate to my 2012, or even 2013 self.  But isn't it awful when someone is devotedly in love? And you are like what is this feeling even. I was telling a friend, that more than half of my life Ive had depression+anxiety. I think till 2010, most of friends didn't even want to admit it to themselves, forget about helping me to come to terms with it. It has altered me in unspeakable ways, its a fact I am still reconciling with. But you know, how you say this to someone and they have this sympathetic twinkle in their eyes? gross. My idea of love right now is extreme fondness, but beyond that I don't know. Is it to unnatural to be actually happy by yourself? Hm. 

I dropped 16 kgs last year btw. But I drink coffee till my hands shake. 

Polo and K are coming to Delhi next month, we complete a decade of tumultuous friendship.

Currently reading: Home Going by Yaa Gyasi 

Listening to Happy Ending by Parov Stelar. I think its somewhat melancholic, the tune and I think of my great could have been moments when Im listening to it. Needless to say I listen to it often.