she makes a big cake for the fancy boys

Hard to believe that in this day and age, I was stuck with poor internet connection for the past week. Yes, Im back home, and it feels great actually. I don't feel like going back to Delhi but I know I will because I miss my cat terribly. I think of cuddling him and playing with him all through the day. I have done zero work in the past few days and my boss will not be unfair in wanting to sack me, she gets exasperated easily and this would be enough to really exasperate her. 

Its great to see that my family, neighbours and a couple of my childhood friends do not passively disapprove my life and its choices, like they have done in the past. The be-positive brigade though really gets me still, and I think they are dangerously disillusioned or maybe I am, I dont know, who amongst us the tougher row to hoe. 

Everyone finds it easier to talk to me now, and I listen to them patiently, nodding at appropriate junctures with a poignant 'hmm'. Grief, panic and anxiety, I think its only a matter of circumstance, whether we are there to see it or not in everyone else. This realisation though doesn't give me any peace. Anyway, I guess they find it easy because pandemonium has struck me so many times, and look at me, sitting here and blogging away. 

The first day I reached home, I asked Bapi to order mutton chops and mixed fruit truffle from John's, and I slept for 14 hours that day. My sleep hours have reduced to the normal 7 hours now and I feel well rested in a way I have not felt in months. My only attachment to Delhi right now are my plants and my cat. Other than that, happy to fly away somewhere else. If I am being dreamy, I might as well put it on record that I'd want to settle in some beach town, but not Bombay, matchbox existence is not what I want right now. 

I was going through my old hand written journals, and I realise that mentally things for me have not changed much. A friendship gone wrong hurts me way more than an affair gone wrong, I guess because according to my idea of love, there is fatality to it, whereas friendship feels timeless. But everything is time bound. I understand the impracticality of love more intricately now. And I also understand my own inability to sustain interest or feelings of love[any kind] for too long, except for my cats and plants - my love for them is forever, and I am damn sure of that. A few memories still hit me like a concrete fence post falling into a pool of water[thanks Barnes]. And that it has not been entirely possible to cut off completely from people I felt hurt by. Because not everytime can you unpick an unwise choice. 

I have extended my leave till the end of this week, then I fly back to Delhi and on the same day I travel to Dehradun to meet A, after some 2-3 years I guess, I dont remember her face but I remember face - get it?

Ma says that work is the antidote to all of this, but what if you feel that you suck at what you do?

Plugging this track by Moby. When I was growing up, the early 2000 channel  [V] playlist would blast Moby so often.