Because there are no others

I am in a good mood but this is a sad sad song. I love all their basement live session recordings. I love Radiohead.

she makes a big cake for the fancy boys

Hard to believe that in this day and age, I was stuck with poor internet connection for the past week. Yes, Im back home, and it feels great actually. I don't feel like going back to Delhi but I know I will because I miss my cat terribly. I think of cuddling him and playing with him all through the day. I have done zero work in the past few days and my boss will not be unfair in wanting to sack me, she gets exasperated easily and this would be enough to really exasperate her. 

Its great to see that my family, neighbours and a couple of my childhood friends do not passively disapprove my life and its choices, like they have done in the past. The be-positive brigade though really gets me still, and I think they are dangerously disillusioned or maybe I am, I dont know, who amongst us the tougher row to hoe. 

Everyone finds it easier to talk to me now, and I listen to them patiently, nodding at appropriate junctures with a poignant 'hmm'. Grief, panic and anxiety, I think its only a matter of circumstance, whether we are there to see it or not in everyone else. This realisation though doesn't give me any peace. Anyway, I guess they find it easy because pandemonium has struck me so many times, and look at me, sitting here and blogging away. 

The first day I reached home, I asked Bapi to order mutton chops and mixed fruit truffle from John's, and I slept for 14 hours that day. My sleep hours have reduced to the normal 7 hours now and I feel well rested in a way I have not felt in months. My only attachment to Delhi right now are my plants and my cat. Other than that, happy to fly away somewhere else. If I am being dreamy, I might as well put it on record that I'd want to settle in some beach town, but not Bombay, matchbox existence is not what I want right now. 

I was going through my old hand written journals, and I realise that mentally things for me have not changed much. A friendship gone wrong hurts me way more than an affair gone wrong, I guess because according to my idea of love, there is fatality to it, whereas friendship feels timeless. But everything is time bound. I understand the impracticality of love more intricately now. And I also understand my own inability to sustain interest or feelings of love[any kind] for too long, except for my cats and plants - my love for them is forever, and I am damn sure of that. A few memories still hit me like a concrete fence post falling into a pool of water[thanks Barnes]. And that it has not been entirely possible to cut off completely from people I felt hurt by. Because not everytime can you unpick an unwise choice. 

I have extended my leave till the end of this week, then I fly back to Delhi and on the same day I travel to Dehradun to meet A, after some 2-3 years I guess, I dont remember her face but I remember face - get it?

Ma says that work is the antidote to all of this, but what if you feel that you suck at what you do?

Plugging this track by Moby. When I was growing up, the early 2000 channel  [V] playlist would blast Moby so often.

whaddya know

No seriously, whaddya know. I boarded the train armed with my two suitcases and an unnecessarily heavy backpack[looked like the tummy of a pregnant cow], only to get down at the next station because my ticket is for tomorrow's train. Oh man, I know 1001 ways to look like an irresponsible fool. 

On the work front, only a million nasty emails have been exchanged so far, drained beyond my capacity. I'm trying to channel some zen, and not responding to negativity. But some people only want to invisibilize your hard work and if you call out on that, they will try to gaslight you no end. 

I sometimes miss a corporate job, my previous bosses were absolute sweethearts as compared to these monsters I am dealing with right now. It doesnt help that they are part of the larger political fraternity that I organise with. 

I had to drop my cat Farookh at M's place since he very graciously offered to catsit him. Then I was running around buying some regular pound cakes and this one particular pineapple upside down cake at Defence Colony bakery for my mama. Then I went to Orissa state emporium to pick up a sambalpuri cotton. It was fucking hot, the sun was right there, doing its thing, cracking my skull with the heat. I had forgotten to carry a headscarf and my raybans. So I was squinting and puffing my way through the market. The bakery had good air conditioning, and how difficult was it to not drop dead on that cool marble floor snoring. 

I called SS and asked her if she was up for some lunch and buttermilk. SO we decided to meet at Sarvana Bhavan, then we went to this new chain of icecream shops - Havmor. We shared a berry blast sundae, which also pissed me off. I thought that huge white scoop on the blueberry flavoured scoop was vanilla, but damn you, it was just some whipped cream topped with strawberry syrup. <thumbsdown>

I came home, took a long bath. I have these new bath salts which I generally use for my warm/hot foot soaks because the last I could fit this body in that bucket was when I was a year old. I dont have bath tub but I wish I did. Damn.

I spent sometime adding more stuff to my compost pot, and then spent some time tending my plants. Then I went to the local DDA market to buy some beer, bought some vegetables as well. Came home, put on some really cheesy bollywood music and roasted the vegetables while drinking. 

Its just 9:30, but I feel like its twelve or something. My head is heavy but I can't sleep. I have spent so much money this month eating out that I am really ashamed of myself. My struggle with cigarettes continue, I go months without smoking and then one day I start chain-smoking like its going out of style. 

Thievery Corporation: Voyage Libre [loud volume] This is my new shower and dress song

Pause//Play

Having a phenomenally bad time at work, but I am looking forward to going home tomorrow after some 5 years. Yes. My relationship with the family has somewhat improved, though with my brother, it continues to be painful. But I am going home. 

Work life is stressful and precarious right now. I dont know what the fuck is happening, we didnt even get paid this month. Freelance research life sucks. But I feel I shouldnt be complaining much since Ive chosen this for myself. 

At an existential level, Im still discovering myself. Life is uncertain and I lack stability professionally and financially. The money is good but it comes and goes. 

--

You know its always the same fucking drill. Always. Why do I even bother? Friendships are somewhat sustainable. Love, unsustainable. And anyway my idea of love and intimacy has changed so much in the past few years, I mean I dont even relate to my 2012, or even 2013 self.  But isn't it awful when someone is devotedly in love? And you are like what is this feeling even. I was telling a friend, that more than half of my life Ive had depression+anxiety. I think till 2010, most of friends didn't even want to admit it to themselves, forget about helping me to come to terms with it. It has altered me in unspeakable ways, its a fact I am still reconciling with. But you know, how you say this to someone and they have this sympathetic twinkle in their eyes? gross. My idea of love right now is extreme fondness, but beyond that I don't know. Is it to unnatural to be actually happy by yourself? Hm. 

I dropped 16 kgs last year btw. But I drink coffee till my hands shake. 

Polo and K are coming to Delhi next month, we complete a decade of tumultuous friendship.

Currently reading: Home Going by Yaa Gyasi 

Listening to Happy Ending by Parov Stelar. I think its somewhat melancholic, the tune and I think of my great could have been moments when Im listening to it. Needless to say I listen to it often. 

I changed houses this past month. And now I am living alone with my two cats. I have wasted(or not) many languorous hours just drinking coffee and then not being able to work because I had too much coffee.

Huzzah

For the past 5 weeks, I haven't had all this stuff:

1. Sugar in any form, be it vegetable or fruit. Basically no salad dressing even.
2. No carbs, no pulses or legumes, no root vegetables.
3. No wheat, whole or otherwise.
4. No milk or yoghurt.
5. No soda or any kind of junk
6. No cornflour or starch based food.

I ate:

1. Lots of heavy cream, oil(coconut+olive), butter, cheese(all kinds) and cream cheese.
2. Have discovered the wonderful and safe replacement for sugar, Erythritol
3. Free-fed meat and fish and green vegetables like: green beans, peppers, spinach, cauliflower, brocolli, chinese lettuce etc. Took spirulina as well.
4. Learnt how to make my own mayo, almond milk, peanut butter and chocolate almond cupcakes.
5. Discovered the wonderful vegan chia pudding and chocolate mousse.
6. Thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated the simple bengali style vegetable jhols and also thai/korean food.

I've run twice a week, did yoga or pilates on alternate days.

And sisters, I have dropped 7 kgs in 5 weeks. I am a happy woman.

to go on

To buy Redmi phones on Amazon, one must wait for their weekly sales. And within a minute all the mobiles are sold, and you either log off disappointed or buy it for a few extra thousands on Flipkart, and that my friend, I will not.

Just back to Delhi and life feels slow. Boiled four eggs for breakfast and made a cup of coffee. Couldnt eat more than two eggs, my head feels heavy, a fat blunt heavy, but no blunt has been smoked.

Trying to send off work before I get fired. This girl I like, got me some lilies last night and my bedroom smells so nice. Though my cats knocked the vase off atleast twice and there was water all over the table, the second time around I didnt bother picking it up, knowing I'd be up in a couple of hours anyway.

My cats have become more ungrateful than usual, and one of them has become fat. All this when I was gone. I am sure its all the butter roti that my neighbours must be feeding Farookh.