I didn’t think of it in terms of guts. I thought of it in terms of inevitability.

[Sombre thought: As you can tell from all the blog posts's I really dont give a fuck about punctuation]

I finally finished that Barnes book. It was bitter sweet. [As it turns out bitter-sweet lovelorn/failed love stories are my thing].

I reached Delhi sometime last week, and K was due to fly in from Durham later that night. So I spent a few good hours sampling from every damn food stall in the waiting lounge - a green chilly flavoured tea, some aloo paratha, some momos and a regular cappuccino at Costa, forgot that they serve american sizes, so I was just wired for the next 48 hours. 

Polo was also planning to fly in from Cal to meet the both of us, but K's mum is dying and she couldnt even stay back for a day.

She said she is losing her home. And that when she texted her mum that she has boarded the flight, there was no response. I told K that I am going to be her home, its not easy, but its cheap comfort for the time being. She was here for just some 14 hours but I took her to her favourite cafe for breakfast, got the maalishwali aunty to give her a body massage and made her mango kulfi. We were talking about her mother in between our various conversations, because it was a fact she was not yet ready to confront - I dont think any of us can ever be ready to confront any such loss. Somewhere around 12 in the noon, her aunt called up to say that cancer has spread to the lungs and now the doctor is saying 6 weeks, so she should get all the important financial papers signed. K was howling over the phone and saying that 'are you telling me that I have to tell my mother to sign these papers because she is going to die'. Yeah, talk about difficult moments. 

In other difficult moments, I resigned. We have not been paid for the last two months due to some conflict, but now she'll be forced settle our bills and Ill have enough money to live comfortably for atleast 4 months, but I hope that I do get some job before that, somehow I am not worried, Im beyond it. Worrying has never solved anything, and its basically just bullshit. 

Last week I also ordered 1 kg of palak, bok choi, red/green peppers, bottle gourd, spring onions, tomatoes, rocket leaves, brocolli without realising that I am ordering a kg each, I thought I was just ordering 250 gms of each portion. And now all the racks of the fridge are just stuffed with vegetables. 

I was pissed because it was a lot of money, and one person can only eat so much. But I found a way to actually use up 50% of the vegetables in 7 days.

I sauteed the spinach with onion and garlic, and then I pureed it. Made palak paneer, palak chicken and then palak soup. Btw, I order antibiotic free poultry from FreshHome, and I love it. 

Next I sauteed half a bottle gourd with some onion and then pureed it for some soup. 

I roasted the broccoli with some olive oil, thyme, rosemary, black pepper and pink salt and it served as a side for my soup meals.

-

I had to go and meet an acquaintance who was flying back to Berlin we met for some coffee, and I took two bites from her absolutely delish almond croissant. She then had to go to Lodhi gardens, but had an hour to kill. So we spent sometime in and around Green Park. Went to this store in Humayunpur for some gochujang and rice vinegar. We then walked back to the main market, where I bought some filter coffee from A2B[not bad], sambar powder and some gongura rice paste.

We still had sometime to kill so we went to Aurobindo market to check out some new nose pins, and I bought one which looks like those flat-round notice board pins. It was for half the price it showed online. 

-

A friend's friend was stayed with me for 4 days, and he was showing me some photos from his time at the Film school in Prague, and now all I want to do is do a course from there. I spend so much time looking at that damn website.

I will of course be applying for Phd later this year in Europe/UK, but I am doing it out of some compulsion, I dont relate to academics that way, and I cant for the life of me imagine myself teaching in a class.

There are things I want to do, and depression and anxiety have both slowed down those processes. Life hasnt been bad, I am actually very grateful for the experiences - both good and bad, they've been rich and they've moulded me as a person. But I am STILL not sure about what is it that I want to do and that sometimes bothers me, makes me angry. 

I guess its all okay though, I am just on my own kind of journey like so many others out there. 

Its windy and rainy in Delhi, the sky is overcast with dark grey clouds and I am listening to some Dr Alban.  

We had a toaster and a kettle

Sometimes I am such a fan of my own academic writing, I have these moments once in 7 years. I am happy about the field report I submitted but this realisation that none of us would be able to take this forward, because of all the crap our boss has put us through - it really breaks my heart. Right now there is stereo silence about the contract, but I wish I could see this through.

We all need validation, and my sense of validation often comes from work because everything else is really not in my control - what my friends think of me, what my coworkers think of me. It has taken a lot of effort to get here, at some point all I wanted was the validation of being loved back by the people Ive loved, and nothing else really mattered. But that doesn't last long, and the hurt of that love coming to an end, however lasts long, and how. Maybe its me, I have a propensity to hold on to the hurt than the nice memories I shared with someone once. 

I finally fly back to Delhi on Tuesday. I feel like crap. House-moving, flat-hunting is draining. 

And to start at the beginning, what would you do for money?

The titles of the recent blog posts are all random phrases from Julian Barnes 'The Only Story', a book I am reading and re-reading these days. He really writes very well. 

-

I was supposed to leave for Delhi today, but I cancelled my tix and now I leave on Sunday. I never realised I was this tired of that city.

-

Its easy to be productive at home, clean house, clean air, good food, a soft bed and a garden full of plants and trees. A mango tree I planted 18 years ago is now starting to fruit, Bapi has watered it so lovingly all these years. 

- 

Went to get a deep tissue body massage early today, its damn painful. In general I have been complaining of a lot of body ache, I am slightly anaemic, so I think it adds to the pain. I felt relaxed, but it was also extremely painful. I was snoring by the end of it though. 

-

I slept for an hour at the massage parlour, till Ma got done. Then we went to the Indian Coffee House in Sadar for a brekkie. I had vegetable cutlets - I dont know how they make the beetroot+green pea+potato combination taste so delicious. We also shared a mutton chop and I had a tall glass of cold coffee while Ma had her regular darjeeling tea. We went to Iqbal's to buy fish for the afternoon - bought papda, but there were lovely fresh water prawns, so we bought some for curry and pulao. And we bought some for Sheetu Mama's family also.

-

Ma informed me that Sheetu mama was diagnosed with lymphoma last October, he is doing well now. And that Tinku is at home these days taking care of him. Tinku is so pretty, she is someone I have continuously compared myself to - her beauty, her grace, her resolve to succeed in everything she does. Even when she wakes up, she looks like she is just walking out of the spa. She is training to be a historian, and History is my new favourite thing. So anyway we went to laal bari[red house] to see them, hand over the fish. I was told that I have dropped too many kgs and whether I have stopped eating food, but then when they saw that I have three piercing in one ear and two in the other, they just went 'tcchh, what is all this style'. I know why I lack style, thats because no one in my family even gets what style is. 

-

I have finally finally decided that I am taking a flight on sunday or monday at the latest, so now I have to go meet all my relatives, sleep some more, soak in some more love, and prepare myself to get back in the hustle. what is life evennnnnnnn

-

Its a krautrock kind of a day. I think the men are incredibly talented and I have a crush on all of them. This music helps me write and focus.

Can - Mother Sky

Because there are no others

I am in a good mood but this is a sad sad song. I love all their basement live session recordings. I love Radiohead.

she makes a big cake for the fancy boys

Hard to believe that in this day and age, I was stuck with poor internet connection for the past week. Yes, Im back home, and it feels great actually. I don't feel like going back to Delhi but I know I will because I miss my cat terribly. I think of cuddling him and playing with him all through the day. I have done zero work in the past few days and my boss will not be unfair in wanting to sack me, she gets exasperated easily and this would be enough to really exasperate her. 

Its great to see that my family, neighbours and a couple of my childhood friends do not passively disapprove my life and its choices, like they have done in the past. The be-positive brigade though really gets me still, and I think they are dangerously disillusioned or maybe I am, I dont know, who amongst us the tougher row to hoe. 

Everyone finds it easier to talk to me now, and I listen to them patiently, nodding at appropriate junctures with a poignant 'hmm'. Grief, panic and anxiety, I think its only a matter of circumstance, whether we are there to see it or not in everyone else. This realisation though doesn't give me any peace. Anyway, I guess they find it easy because pandemonium has struck me so many times, and look at me, sitting here and blogging away. 

The first day I reached home, I asked Bapi to order mutton chops and mixed fruit truffle from John's, and I slept for 14 hours that day. My sleep hours have reduced to the normal 7 hours now and I feel well rested in a way I have not felt in months. My only attachment to Delhi right now are my plants and my cat. Other than that, happy to fly away somewhere else. If I am being dreamy, I might as well put it on record that I'd want to settle in some beach town, but not Bombay, matchbox existence is not what I want right now. 

I was going through my old hand written journals, and I realise that mentally things for me have not changed much. A friendship gone wrong hurts me way more than an affair gone wrong, I guess because according to my idea of love, there is fatality to it, whereas friendship feels timeless. But everything is time bound. I understand the impracticality of love more intricately now. And I also understand my own inability to sustain interest or feelings of love[any kind] for too long, except for my cats and plants - my love for them is forever, and I am damn sure of that. A few memories still hit me like a concrete fence post falling into a pool of water[thanks Barnes]. And that it has not been entirely possible to cut off completely from people I felt hurt by. Because not everytime can you unpick an unwise choice. 

I have extended my leave till the end of this week, then I fly back to Delhi and on the same day I travel to Dehradun to meet A, after some 2-3 years I guess, I dont remember her face but I remember face - get it?

Ma says that work is the antidote to all of this, but what if you feel that you suck at what you do?

Plugging this track by Moby. When I was growing up, the early 2000 channel  [V] playlist would blast Moby so often.

whaddya know

No seriously, whaddya know. I boarded the train armed with my two suitcases and an unnecessarily heavy backpack[looked like the tummy of a pregnant cow], only to get down at the next station because my ticket is for tomorrow's train. Oh man, I know 1001 ways to look like an irresponsible fool. 

On the work front, only a million nasty emails have been exchanged so far, drained beyond my capacity. I'm trying to channel some zen, and not responding to negativity. But some people only want to invisibilize your hard work and if you call out on that, they will try to gaslight you no end. 

I sometimes miss a corporate job, my previous bosses were absolute sweethearts as compared to these monsters I am dealing with right now. It doesnt help that they are part of the larger political fraternity that I organise with. 

I had to drop my cat Farookh at M's place since he very graciously offered to catsit him. Then I was running around buying some regular pound cakes and this one particular pineapple upside down cake at Defence Colony bakery for my mama. Then I went to Orissa state emporium to pick up a sambalpuri cotton. It was fucking hot, the sun was right there, doing its thing, cracking my skull with the heat. I had forgotten to carry a headscarf and my raybans. So I was squinting and puffing my way through the market. The bakery had good air conditioning, and how difficult was it to not drop dead on that cool marble floor snoring. 

I called SS and asked her if she was up for some lunch and buttermilk. SO we decided to meet at Sarvana Bhavan, then we went to this new chain of icecream shops - Havmor. We shared a berry blast sundae, which also pissed me off. I thought that huge white scoop on the blueberry flavoured scoop was vanilla, but damn you, it was just some whipped cream topped with strawberry syrup. <thumbsdown>

I came home, took a long bath. I have these new bath salts which I generally use for my warm/hot foot soaks because the last I could fit this body in that bucket was when I was a year old. I dont have bath tub but I wish I did. Damn.

I spent sometime adding more stuff to my compost pot, and then spent some time tending my plants. Then I went to the local DDA market to buy some beer, bought some vegetables as well. Came home, put on some really cheesy bollywood music and roasted the vegetables while drinking. 

Its just 9:30, but I feel like its twelve or something. My head is heavy but I can't sleep. I have spent so much money this month eating out that I am really ashamed of myself. My struggle with cigarettes continue, I go months without smoking and then one day I start chain-smoking like its going out of style. 

Thievery Corporation: Voyage Libre [loud volume] This is my new shower and dress song

Pause//Play

Having a phenomenally bad time at work, but I am looking forward to going home tomorrow after some 5 years. Yes. My relationship with the family has somewhat improved, though with my brother, it continues to be painful. But I am going home. 

Work life is stressful and precarious right now. I dont know what the fuck is happening, we didnt even get paid this month. Freelance research life sucks. But I feel I shouldnt be complaining much since Ive chosen this for myself. 

At an existential level, Im still discovering myself. Life is uncertain and I lack stability professionally and financially. The money is good but it comes and goes. 

--

You know its always the same fucking drill. Always. Why do I even bother? Friendships are somewhat sustainable. Love, unsustainable. And anyway my idea of love and intimacy has changed so much in the past few years, I mean I dont even relate to my 2012, or even 2013 self.  But isn't it awful when someone is devotedly in love? And you are like what is this feeling even. I was telling a friend, that more than half of my life Ive had depression+anxiety. I think till 2010, most of friends didn't even want to admit it to themselves, forget about helping me to come to terms with it. It has altered me in unspeakable ways, its a fact I am still reconciling with. But you know, how you say this to someone and they have this sympathetic twinkle in their eyes? gross. My idea of love right now is extreme fondness, but beyond that I don't know. Is it to unnatural to be actually happy by yourself? Hm. 

I dropped 16 kgs last year btw. But I drink coffee till my hands shake. 

Polo and K are coming to Delhi next month, we complete a decade of tumultuous friendship.

Currently reading: Home Going by Yaa Gyasi 

Listening to Happy Ending by Parov Stelar. I think its somewhat melancholic, the tune and I think of my great could have been moments when Im listening to it. Needless to say I listen to it often.