Huzzah

For the past 5 weeks, I haven't had all this stuff:

1. Sugar in any form, be it vegetable or fruit. Basically no salad dressing even.
2. No carbs, no pulses or legumes, no root vegetables.
3. No wheat, whole or otherwise.
4. No milk or yoghurt.
5. No soda or any kind of junk
6. No cornflour or starch based food.

I ate:

1. Lots of heavy cream, oil(coconut+olive), butter, cheese(all kinds) and cream cheese.
2. Have discovered the wonderful and safe replacement for sugar, Erythritol
3. Free-fed meat and fish and green vegetables like: green beans, peppers, spinach, cauliflower, brocolli, chinese lettuce etc. Took spirulina as well.
4. Learnt how to make my own mayo, almond milk, peanut butter and chocolate almond cupcakes.
5. Discovered the wonderful vegan chia pudding and chocolate mousse.
6. Thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated the simple bengali style vegetable jhols and also thai/korean food.

I've run twice a week, did yoga or pilates on alternate days.

And sisters, I have dropped 7 kgs in 5 weeks. I am a happy woman.

to go on

To buy Redmi phones on Amazon, one must wait for their weekly sales. And within a minute all the mobiles are sold, and you either log off disappointed or buy it for a few extra thousands on Flipkart, and that my friend, I will not.

Just back to Delhi and life feels slow. Boiled four eggs for breakfast and made a cup of coffee. Couldnt eat more than two eggs, my head feels heavy, a fat blunt heavy, but no blunt has been smoked.

Trying to send off work before I get fired. This girl I like, got me some lilies last night and my bedroom smells so nice. Though my cats knocked the vase off atleast twice and there was water all over the table, the second time around I didnt bother picking it up, knowing I'd be up in a couple of hours anyway.

My cats have become more ungrateful than usual, and one of them has become fat. All this when I was gone. I am sure its all the butter roti that my neighbours must be feeding Farookh.

But I think I've found something in you

My headache lasted for 12 days total. 12 days. Yeah, let that sink in, 12 days. 12 fucking days.

I went to the archives today, came back at around 5. Played with the cats for a bit, drank coffee(sans sugar) but loaded with cream. 

Im smoking so many cigarettes. Okay, so maybe not so many, but I am and given that I had completely stopped smoking, its really sad that I am back to smoking 3 a day.

Me and Nella(say hello to one of my closest friends) spent the last week completely baked watching crappy horror movies on this website. One of the movies was called Eat Local, and I guess it was a zombie movie. Eat local, seriously? would they name sequel 'Buy local produce'? I wouldn't surprised though, zombie movies have misplaced sense of horror, and they are generally shit. 

Blasted music in the bathroom while I bathed, I think its an under-rated joy. Also, later I put on a lotus flower serum korean face sheet mask and some classical music for my plants while I tended them. 

For dinner, I am making chocolate mousse(keto) and roasted chicken salad. Waiting for the grocer to send over the stuff so that I can get cooking. 

I have decided to follow this diet till my birthday, which is in September. I just need lots of resolve to not break it. Having been craving rice and pancakes and cupcakes so bad. Though in keto, you can make amazing cup cakes using loads of butter, stevia, almond flour, vanilla essence etc, but I am really having crazy sugar withdrawals so I just dream of having the icing more than the cake. 

Perhaps, post dinner I will have something interesting to write about. 

But I think I've found something in you

you hold my hand so close between yours

all this time I always thought it would be your hand

holding mine..

#sexymigraine

Past week has been hell because of the migraine, it was only in books and websites that headaches went for this long, till it happened to me. My head is a different kind of hell and is always ripping through the time-space continuum, so perhaps this the reason why the headache feels endless, so does my heart ache, and the feeling of ennui. 

Have spent the past 6 hours doing completely brain dead work with full concentration, though it is marred by my heart ache which is dull(and ingenuous, by the simple of virtue of having existed 14 months+), is not just dull, but annoying and persistent. Nothing makes it go away, I have started to fear that this will exist as long as I live. In my own humble opinion, I am hazaar fucked and doomed. Will I always be in love with the wrong people? Will it will always suck? Will I always be five feet besides myself and unhappy?

I have more or less been in the zone but something triggered a host of awful feelings last week, and I find it difficult to breathe.

Delhi summers has been lovely, if I may say so. I mean it showers pretty often, and evenings are pale, breezy and lovely. 

I am making enough money to make ends meet, and do a few other things. It all feels okay till I want to have more perspective and look at the larger picture. Wtf is a larger picture? I don't care if I have everything that I really want tomorrow, because right now is when I want it, because right now seems to extend forever and the tomorrow never really comes. 

Also, dating is generally bullshit in Delhi. Only morons on the offer, wondering if someone feels the same way about me. 

I didn't care/ but I can see now/ that there's a way out

Last night the birthday was so much fun. Went to this Japanese restaurant and loaded our stomachs with prawn tempura, prawn balinesse curry, kakuni pork, some other pork belly thing and lots of sushi. Its an expensive place though, we paid close to 1500 per head. So that might not be a lot for quite a few people, but I live on hand to mouth allowance, hence. But worth every penny, the food and the company! Also we got complimentary mochi ice-cream, it was great except that the green tea flavoured ice cream tasted like raw fish

It was actually a great evening, and maybe I should go out more and meet my friends. Met a very cute woman. I wish we become friends or something, I really liked talking with her, the little bit that we did. 

Other than that, I had full plans of working all of last night, but it didnt happen. All that sticky rice made me sleepy, woke up to a panic call from my Editor, who yelled saying 'we cant wait anymore!', so now I am racing to finish the work. 

I've just discovered that I like nice red lipsticks! 

Arctic Monkeys: A certain romance

'cause this one has ended abrupt

Happy to report that from being able to run for only 5 mins at a stretch, I have finally reached the 20 minute mark, I finish 4 kms in 20 mins. Not bad I say! 

Back on the diet, and it does me well. Mostly I like the fact that I dont think of food that frequently. And I love having all that cheese.

-

I can be productive from 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. after that I literally waste my time. Mostly listening to music, reading books, and also often writing shitty pulp in the privacy of my room. Eight hours of work a day sounds good, but I have literally have bitten off more than I can chew, and I cant but have to chew of all it, within a stipulated time. A couple of my editor friends have been very very patient with me, and they have been extending my writing deadlines as often as I demanded but I really feel that I am abusing that now. 

Im not sure why I committed to writing, when I know myself that I can't write on demand. My writing reads shit, and I just end having more coffee than usual in my pursuit of that elusive text I once dreamed of writing.

I have no idea about what I am doing in my life but I've really given myself a deadline, if by the year end I cannot start writing and publishing, I will really adult hard and get into some policy based work in the development sector, those people pay a lot of money. And its as boring as any other job, but one can travel once in a while so that's the saving grace.

I am thinking about them because tomorrow there is a birthday dinner that I think I'll have to attend and I will be seeing two of the editor friends there, who I haven't met in like 10 months. They put me on the planning group on whatsapp, basically all of us are planning a surprise party for a friend. And I did offer to pitch in for the cake, gift etc but I wrote that I won't be joining. But they have all ignored my message because I got a notification today that I have a dinner reservation for tomorrow. I really hate socializing. I have zero skill and mind space and I know it ruins friendships and relationships but so be it.

The most damning news in a while has been that of Chris Cornell's death. I was not much of a soundgarden fan, even though punk-grunge-industrial-noise is quite my thing. But I was an audioslave fan. Moreover, I loved his voice. The songs he wrote, they spoke to me because they were about the same feeling of a sense of not belonging to the world, that continuous feeling of being an outsider. For a long time I didn't really speak of my depression, I always thought clinical depression was something different than what I had. My friends would also often make the distinction. This only meant that I got help really late in life. It was after 13 years that I started getting help for the most traumatic experience of my life. And yes, I have missed out on so much. I wish I could be 19 again and not have to pretend to be okay and to be strong. I wish I got the space and the help to process the feelings. I only got some validation from friends, and sometimes even they would be like dont talk too much about it. So this why music and the books I've read meant so much to me, they helped me process these unfamiliar feelings.

As my descent into this mental illness deepened, I couldn't relate to most of my friends, I still have a hard time on some days. On somedays it feels so bad, even the roads look unfriendly, sterile and unwelcoming.

I had zero friends in high school, college was more or less the same, it was mostly me pretending to myself that I had solid friendships, I didn't. That goes for most part of my life, but eventually in 20s I did make friends, who are friends, they haven't disappointed me, they haven't told me more than what I mean to them. I've realised that no-bullshit friendship works best for me, and I don't like dealing with 'greys'.

No I am not a band worshiping teenage, but unless you've related to art in the way I have, unless you've seen it as something that helps you make sense of your feelings and pain, you wouldn't know.

Anyway, these are a few of the reasons Cornell's death has hit me hard. and all I would want to say to him is

So I blow out the candle
and I put you to bed
Since you can't say to me now
how the dogs broke your bone
there's just one thing left to be said

So say hello to heaven, 
heaven, 
heaven...

Audioslave: I am the highway

Remember those walls I built, well, baby, they're tumbling down

Skipped therapy today, but it was just fucking hot and I couldn't get myself to leave my home at 12 noon. I'll miss seeing her in person, once she leaves for Canada.  Yeah, that's one more exit. </3

I've really built a nice relationship with my therapist and I've known her for 3 years now, I'm the only patient she'll do Skype sessions with. So yeah, I feel really special right now.

Day was spent, hurriedly trying to finish off some work, while falling asleep every 30 mins. I am not sure what's happening to me. But my day went weird after my afternoon nap cuz I dreamt that I fucked Jackie Shroff in a ghetto like set up. We smoked up before the nasty, and he was really old and dressed like an old left union Dada from JU. I am not even attracted to that guy. Dafuq is up.

Beyonce: Halo <I really like this song>