Happy to report that from being able to run for only 5 mins at a stretch, I have finally reached the 20 minute mark, I finish 4 kms in 20 mins. Not bad I say!
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I can be productive from 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. after that I literally waste my time. Mostly listening to music, reading books, and also often writing shitty pulp in the privacy of my room. Eight hours of work a day sounds good, but I have literally have bitten off more than I can chew, and I cant but have to chew of all it, within a stipulated time. A couple of my editor friends have been very very patient with me, and they have been extending my writing deadlines as often as I demanded but I really feel that I am abusing that now.
Im not sure why I committed to writing, when I know myself that I can't write on demand. My writing reads shit, and I just end having more coffee than usual in my pursuit of that elusive text I once dreamed of writing.
I have no idea about what I am doing in my life but I've really given myself a deadline, if by the year end I cannot start writing and publishing, I will really adult hard and get into some policy based work in the development sector, those people pay a lot of money. And its as boring as any other job, but one can travel once in a while so that's the saving grace.
I am thinking about them because tomorrow there is a birthday dinner that I think I'll have to attend and I will be seeing two of the editor friends there, who I haven't met in like 10 months. They put me on the planning group on whatsapp, basically all of us are planning a surprise party for a friend. And I did offer to pitch in for the cake, gift etc but I wrote that I won't be joining. But they have all ignored my message because I got a notification today that I have a dinner reservation for tomorrow. I really hate socializing. I have zero skill and mind space and I know it ruins friendships and relationships but so be it.
The most damning news in a while has been that of Chris Cornell's death. I was not much of a soundgarden fan, even though punk-grunge-industrial-noise is quite my thing. But I was an audioslave fan. Moreover, I loved his voice. The songs he wrote, they spoke to me because they were about the same feeling of a sense of not belonging to the world, that continuous feeling of being an outsider. For a long time I didn't really speak of my depression, I always thought clinical depression was something different than what I had. My friends would also often make the distinction. This only meant that I got help really late in life. It was after 13 years that I started getting help for the most traumatic experience of my life. And yes, I have missed out on so much. I wish I could be 19 again and not have to pretend to be okay and to be strong. I wish I got the space and the help to process the feelings. I only got some validation from friends, and sometimes even they would be like dont talk too much about it. So this why music and the books I've read meant so much to me, they helped me process these unfamiliar feelings.
As my descent into this mental illness deepened, I couldn't relate to most of my friends, I still have a hard time on some days. On somedays it feels so bad, even the roads look unfriendly, sterile and unwelcoming.
I had zero friends in high school, college was more or less the same, it was mostly me pretending to myself that I had solid friendships, I didn't. That goes for most part of my life, but eventually in 20s I did make friends, who are friends, they haven't disappointed me, they haven't told me more than what I mean to them. I've realised that no-bullshit friendship works best for me, and I don't like dealing with 'greys'.
No I am not a band worshiping teenage, but unless you've related to art in the way I have, unless you've seen it as something that helps you make sense of your feelings and pain, you wouldn't know.
Anyway, these are a few of the reasons Cornell's death has hit me hard. and all I would want to say to him is
So I blow out the candle
and I put you to bed
Since you can't say to me now
how the dogs broke your bone
there's just one thing left to be said
So say hello to heaven,
heaven,
heaven...
Audioslave: I am the highway
I am thinking about them because tomorrow there is a birthday dinner that I think I'll have to attend and I will be seeing two of the editor friends there, who I haven't met in like 10 months. They put me on the planning group on whatsapp, basically all of us are planning a surprise party for a friend. And I did offer to pitch in for the cake, gift etc but I wrote that I won't be joining. But they have all ignored my message because I got a notification today that I have a dinner reservation for tomorrow. I really hate socializing. I have zero skill and mind space and I know it ruins friendships and relationships but so be it.
The most damning news in a while has been that of Chris Cornell's death. I was not much of a soundgarden fan, even though punk-grunge-industrial-noise is quite my thing. But I was an audioslave fan. Moreover, I loved his voice. The songs he wrote, they spoke to me because they were about the same feeling of a sense of not belonging to the world, that continuous feeling of being an outsider. For a long time I didn't really speak of my depression, I always thought clinical depression was something different than what I had. My friends would also often make the distinction. This only meant that I got help really late in life. It was after 13 years that I started getting help for the most traumatic experience of my life. And yes, I have missed out on so much. I wish I could be 19 again and not have to pretend to be okay and to be strong. I wish I got the space and the help to process the feelings. I only got some validation from friends, and sometimes even they would be like dont talk too much about it. So this why music and the books I've read meant so much to me, they helped me process these unfamiliar feelings.
As my descent into this mental illness deepened, I couldn't relate to most of my friends, I still have a hard time on some days. On somedays it feels so bad, even the roads look unfriendly, sterile and unwelcoming.
I had zero friends in high school, college was more or less the same, it was mostly me pretending to myself that I had solid friendships, I didn't. That goes for most part of my life, but eventually in 20s I did make friends, who are friends, they haven't disappointed me, they haven't told me more than what I mean to them. I've realised that no-bullshit friendship works best for me, and I don't like dealing with 'greys'.
No I am not a band worshiping teenage, but unless you've related to art in the way I have, unless you've seen it as something that helps you make sense of your feelings and pain, you wouldn't know.
Anyway, these are a few of the reasons Cornell's death has hit me hard. and all I would want to say to him is
So I blow out the candle
and I put you to bed
Since you can't say to me now
how the dogs broke your bone
there's just one thing left to be said
So say hello to heaven,
heaven,
heaven...
Audioslave: I am the highway
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