IS ANYONE THERE?

I can only try, that's what I tell myself every morning.

What is it really

The next few weeks have been weird and unproductive, a lot of time has just gone away in doing everything else which actually could have waited. But August has three major life changing deadlines, and when I say that, I dont say it lightly.

If I miss it, it'll be something I'd regret. Not like I dont know what is to live with regrets already. but Im hoping I can have the focus and the drive to power through the next four weeks. And so something worthwhile for myself.

--

Will I have to begin all over again?

--

I visited Nagaland for ten days this june. Here are some pictures.

Also, P.S, its 2018, and still people still try to shame people into silence if they say that they have a mental illness.

Max Richter: On the nature of time #postminimalistmusic

The Haunts

I am not a fan of Jeet Thayil.

But this bit of poetry by him took my breath away

THE HAUNTS

As starlight, as ash or rain,
as a smear on the moon,

as a tree, say a champakali,

as a leaf or a man impersonating a leaf
torn into shreds
and fed to the wind,

as the smell of a small dead animal,

as a tremble on the stair,
a mouse or air,
a tear, a heave,

as fear glimpsed from the window of a plane,

as a telepathic ginger cat
that appears in a slit of moonlight
enters the locked house
and leaves its stinking spoor in each locked room,

as a boat on the Muhatupuzha about to drop
its load of two children and a woman
into the monsoon current,
and if the river had taken them
how much pain would it have made,
how much would it have saved?

as my mother trying to push the monstrous head out from between her legs,

as the stalker at 4 AM
swing creaking in the park near my house
downturned face white in cellphone light,

as the god that swaggers the top floor of my spirit
or the ghost that twists in the basement
or the slave that inhabits the middle,

as an inconsolable soprano nearing the end of Ave Maria,

as a cherry red Stratocaster Elite
found in a pawn shop in Vancouver
and bargained down to eight hundred dollars,

as bad heroin in a Delhi alley
pink pill crushed up and sold in a twist of paper
snorted hungrily for no pleasure,

as a woman (again and again)
whose hair curls, mouth moves or eyes well like yours,

as a figure by the side of the Expressway
urging me to crash the car
in a voice so calm and wise
it took every shred of sanity not to give in,

as good heroin in Zurich,

as a bloated white face on the ceiling of a borrowed room
talking to me all night
in words I am too high to understand,

as a violin creeping through the
trees in front of Humboldt University
and I understood music as the hunger
that eats those it stokes,

as the careful lizard that patrols my brain,

as the dazzled bird who steals—gems, junk,
whatever comes – to build
and what did I build but a house of dust?

as a ritual between newlywed insects
as an insect, horned shivering convulsed
tiny tyrannosaurus throes,

as the white of my beard, whiteness beyond snow or stupor,

as the abandoned child you were
who said goodbye to wind and water
stepped into the opposite of air
said no to earth-blood

said stop to body-blood
arrived as white shadow
without features or desire
as a drop of sacrificial oil

made your atoms integrate
tumbling dripping under
in your hurry to enter
the kingdom of eternal life,

as illness, as liver disease
and the river of red wine that cures it,

as the black grape that made the wine,

as a black burn on the leg that appears overnight and stays for years,
as an unexplainable lump on the shoulder,

as the sound of someone close crying softly in the night,

as a dead girl with blood-red lips
blood-red eyes and cheeks
blood-red wrung neck,

as crematorium smell of
camphor and meat,

as whatever you want,

just come back.

K's mother passed away at 11 today. I was drinking beer and listening to music while working on my proposal, that I got the call. And yeah, thats about it. The beer lost its taste, the music was blasting on the speakers, and I was right infront of my laptop, and I leaned back on my chair to speak to her for an hour.

I cried in bursts with her. And then we laughed. Farewell Aunty.

Im going to her hometown tomorrow to be with her for the next few days. I informed Polo, when Polo's mother passed away, I was there with her and I had made a call to K telling her that P's mum passed away.

I feel that I am one step closer to getting that dreaded phone call.

scauz

All I really want is to buy a nice lipstick. A nice deep shade of red.

Fuck man, life sucks. No two ways about it. <peace out>

Tales of passive-agressiveness

I am home, again. I have been a little unwell, and I have a small surgery coming up. Its small, but I am nervous. My relatives have been calling Ma frequently, just to take updates, also slipping tiny notes about the necessity of getting married, since I am now 31. 

The last time[which was last month], none of this happened because Ma had not told my mashis and pishis that I am not keeping well. After an age, all your illnesses and problems are about you being single. I am sure this is something unmarried women go through all over the globe. But its really annoying. 

Karim keeps on sending me these one liner notes sometimes, and I am trying very hard to tell him that this is improper, and our story is over. It ended, only because of you. But if I say that to him, I feel it will be a good-bye forever. And I dont know I am still living in that narrative that someday magically he and I will find the strength within us to move past, to address the elephant in the room. So, any talk of love and marriage right now, just breaks my heart. 

There is also so much drama in my circle of friends right now, two of them[who were best friends since 2004] have had a nasty spat. And I am choosing to side with one of them, because of the other girl has been just obnoxious the other. But its a painful moment for all of us, I never imagined that any of us would losing friends post 30, I would like to think that we could have better ways of addressing the issues between us. 

Okay, and can I also say this erstwhile brother* has become this really hot 37 year old bearded guy. I last saw him in 2008, when I was all of 22 and madly in love with DC. The occasion was his marriage, I never even thought that he was worth a second look until I met him recently. And when we hugged, I swear I thought I'd die. And he also touched my left cheek with his index finger and said that 'oh you've grown up', and in my mind I was like yeah, please just fuck me. 

I kid you not. I rarely feel this sexually attracted to someone. But I guess I think he still feels I am this sweet younger sister-type family acquaintance. Ugh. But I have imagine many a kiss and make out scenes in my head already. I sent his picture to K and Polo, and they approved of his hotness. 

Surgery day after tomorrow, will have to be in the hospital by tomorrow afternoon though.

..

All my vegetables were over by yesterday but I had zero enthusiasm to buy groceries for this coming week. So today I just made some eggs and coffee, and thats all I have had today, feeling starved but too lazy to do anything about it.

Job scene is still shit, no idea about our payments. But someone else has asked me to touch base early next month. I have two papers to submit by the end of this month, and Delhi is fucking hot, somebody give a gold medal to the sun so that it can pipe down somewhat.

This person who wants to contemplate about some work that both of us can collaborate on, she has asked me to write a project proposal, a short one. I have no idea how these things work. I have never been a collaborator, forget about writing a project proposal. Obviously it'll be one person, or two people at max kind of proposal. So for now, that is my real job. And since I've received that email, I feel ridiculously lazy. 

-

Its been a while since me and Karim stopped speaking to each other, he sends me these heart felt mails or songs once in a while, or some stupid photograph, saying that it reminds me of him. And I feel like telling him, dilli summers and rains will always remind of him. But I dont say it because I have little value for nostalgia that way. I do wallow in it though. We've known each other for about 8 years now and I think I've made peace with the fact that I would always be this khanabadosh kind of a person. You know when you really love someone, really love them, but you want to be great friends at max, because love has never worked out the way you've wanted it to, but because love remains something that tends to not work out in your favour so as soon as the boat reaches you, you close your port and redirect it. 

-

I do wonder sometimes whether I will always like to be by myself. That one day, the fraud police will knock my door and say that your time is over, and then I'll be overcome by this crippling anxiety of wanting a stable partner, and I will be so sad and hopeless just thinking about how my love life has always been crap and maybe I should have negotiated some more. It feels like a nightmare when I think of it. 

-

I remember how you played with my fingers before we tightly shut our eyes to kiss each other for the first time. It was the best first kiss I've had. 

I wish we met at a better time, we met when we knew ourselves better so that we wouldnt hurt each other so bad. I am thinking about him today because he sent me a poem he liked. I dont know if things would ever be okay, if I'd ever be able to forgive him, the past seems so heavy that I don't know if we could totally do away with it.

-

This tune reminds me of him.

I didn’t think of it in terms of guts. I thought of it in terms of inevitability.

[Sombre thought: As you can tell from all the blog posts's I really dont give a fuck about punctuation]

I finally finished that Barnes book. It was bitter sweet. [As it turns out bitter-sweet lovelorn/failed love stories are my thing].

I reached Delhi sometime last week, and K was due to fly in from Durham later that night. So I spent a few good hours sampling from every damn food stall in the waiting lounge - a green chilly flavoured tea, some aloo paratha, some momos and a regular cappuccino at Costa, forgot that they serve american sizes, so I was just wired for the next 48 hours. 

Polo was also planning to fly in from Cal to meet the both of us, but K's mum is dying and she couldnt even stay back for a day.

She said she is losing her home. And that when she texted her mum that she has boarded the flight, there was no response. I told K that I am going to be her home, its not easy, but its cheap comfort for the time being. She was here for just some 14 hours but I took her to her favourite cafe for breakfast, got the maalishwali aunty to give her a body massage and made her mango kulfi. We were talking about her mother in between our various conversations, because it was a fact she was not yet ready to confront - I dont think any of us can ever be ready to confront any such loss. Somewhere around 12 in the noon, her aunt called up to say that cancer has spread to the lungs and now the doctor is saying 6 weeks, so she should get all the important financial papers signed. K was howling over the phone and saying that 'are you telling me that I have to tell my mother to sign these papers because she is going to die'. Yeah, talk about difficult moments. 

In other difficult moments, I resigned. We have not been paid for the last two months due to some conflict, but now she'll be forced settle our bills and Ill have enough money to live comfortably for atleast 4 months, but I hope that I do get some job before that, somehow I am not worried, Im beyond it. Worrying has never solved anything, and its basically just bullshit. 

Last week I also ordered 1 kg of palak, bok choi, red/green peppers, bottle gourd, spring onions, tomatoes, rocket leaves, brocolli without realising that I am ordering a kg each, I thought I was just ordering 250 gms of each portion. And now all the racks of the fridge are just stuffed with vegetables. 

I was pissed because it was a lot of money, and one person can only eat so much. But I found a way to actually use up 50% of the vegetables in 7 days.

I sauteed the spinach with onion and garlic, and then I pureed it. Made palak paneer, palak chicken and then palak soup. Btw, I order antibiotic free poultry from FreshHome, and I love it. 

Next I sauteed half a bottle gourd with some onion and then pureed it for some soup. 

I roasted the broccoli with some olive oil, thyme, rosemary, black pepper and pink salt and it served as a side for my soup meals.

-

I had to go and meet an acquaintance who was flying back to Berlin we met for some coffee, and I took two bites from her absolutely delish almond croissant. She then had to go to Lodhi gardens, but had an hour to kill. So we spent sometime in and around Green Park. Went to this store in Humayunpur for some gochujang and rice vinegar. We then walked back to the main market, where I bought some filter coffee from A2B[not bad], sambar powder and some gongura rice paste.

We still had sometime to kill so we went to Aurobindo market to check out some new nose pins, and I bought one which looks like those flat-round notice board pins. It was for half the price it showed online. 

-

A friend's friend was stayed with me for 4 days, and he was showing me some photos from his time at the Film school in Prague, and now all I want to do is do a course from there. I spend so much time looking at that damn website.

I will of course be applying for Phd later this year in Europe/UK, but I am doing it out of some compulsion, I dont relate to academics that way, and I cant for the life of me imagine myself teaching in a class.

There are things I want to do, and depression and anxiety have both slowed down those processes. Life hasnt been bad, I am actually very grateful for the experiences - both good and bad, they've been rich and they've moulded me as a person. But I am STILL not sure about what is it that I want to do and that sometimes bothers me, makes me angry. 

I guess its all okay though, I am just on my own kind of journey like so many others out there. 

Its windy and rainy in Delhi, the sky is overcast with dark grey clouds and I am listening to some Dr Alban.  

We had a toaster and a kettle

Sometimes I am such a fan of my own academic writing, I have these moments once in 7 years. I am happy about the field report I submitted but this realisation that none of us would be able to take this forward, because of all the crap our boss has put us through - it really breaks my heart. Right now there is stereo silence about the contract, but I wish I could see this through.

We all need validation, and my sense of validation often comes from work because everything else is really not in my control - what my friends think of me, what my coworkers think of me. It has taken a lot of effort to get here, at some point all I wanted was the validation of being loved back by the people Ive loved, and nothing else really mattered. But that doesn't last long, and the hurt of that love coming to an end, however lasts long, and how. Maybe its me, I have a propensity to hold on to the hurt than the nice memories I shared with someone once. 

I finally fly back to Delhi on Tuesday. I feel like crap. House-moving, flat-hunting is draining. 

And to start at the beginning, what would you do for money?

The titles of the recent blog posts are all random phrases from Julian Barnes 'The Only Story', a book I am reading and re-reading these days. He really writes very well. 

-

I was supposed to leave for Delhi today, but I cancelled my tix and now I leave on Sunday. I never realised I was this tired of that city.

-

Its easy to be productive at home, clean house, clean air, good food, a soft bed and a garden full of plants and trees. A mango tree I planted 18 years ago is now starting to fruit, Bapi has watered it so lovingly all these years. 

- 

Went to get a deep tissue body massage early today, its damn painful. In general I have been complaining of a lot of body ache, I am slightly anaemic, so I think it adds to the pain. I felt relaxed, but it was also extremely painful. I was snoring by the end of it though. 

-

I slept for an hour at the massage parlour, till Ma got done. Then we went to the Indian Coffee House in Sadar for a brekkie. I had vegetable cutlets - I dont know how they make the beetroot+green pea+potato combination taste so delicious. We also shared a mutton chop and I had a tall glass of cold coffee while Ma had her regular darjeeling tea. We went to Iqbal's to buy fish for the afternoon - bought papda, but there were lovely fresh water prawns, so we bought some for curry and pulao. And we bought some for Sheetu Mama's family also.

-

Ma informed me that Sheetu mama was diagnosed with lymphoma last October, he is doing well now. And that Tinku is at home these days taking care of him. Tinku is so pretty, she is someone I have continuously compared myself to - her beauty, her grace, her resolve to succeed in everything she does. Even when she wakes up, she looks like she is just walking out of the spa. She is training to be a historian, and History is my new favourite thing. So anyway we went to laal bari[red house] to see them, hand over the fish. I was told that I have dropped too many kgs and whether I have stopped eating food, but then when they saw that I have three piercing in one ear and two in the other, they just went 'tcchh, what is all this style'. I know why I lack style, thats because no one in my family even gets what style is. 

-

I have finally finally decided that I am taking a flight on sunday or monday at the latest, so now I have to go meet all my relatives, sleep some more, soak in some more love, and prepare myself to get back in the hustle. what is life evennnnnnnn

-

Its a krautrock kind of a day. I think the men are incredibly talented and I have a crush on all of them. This music helps me write and focus.

Can - Mother Sky

Because there are no others

I am in a good mood but this is a sad sad song. I love all their basement live session recordings. I love Radiohead.

she makes a big cake for the fancy boys

Hard to believe that in this day and age, I was stuck with poor internet connection for the past week. Yes, Im back home, and it feels great actually. I don't feel like going back to Delhi but I know I will because I miss my cat terribly. I think of cuddling him and playing with him all through the day. I have done zero work in the past few days and my boss will not be unfair in wanting to sack me, she gets exasperated easily and this would be enough to really exasperate her. 

Its great to see that my family, neighbours and a couple of my childhood friends do not passively disapprove my life and its choices, like they have done in the past. The be-positive brigade though really gets me still, and I think they are dangerously disillusioned or maybe I am, I dont know, who amongst us the tougher row to hoe. 

Everyone finds it easier to talk to me now, and I listen to them patiently, nodding at appropriate junctures with a poignant 'hmm'. Grief, panic and anxiety, I think its only a matter of circumstance, whether we are there to see it or not in everyone else. This realisation though doesn't give me any peace. Anyway, I guess they find it easy because pandemonium has struck me so many times, and look at me, sitting here and blogging away. 

The first day I reached home, I asked Bapi to order mutton chops and mixed fruit truffle from John's, and I slept for 14 hours that day. My sleep hours have reduced to the normal 7 hours now and I feel well rested in a way I have not felt in months. My only attachment to Delhi right now are my plants and my cat. Other than that, happy to fly away somewhere else. If I am being dreamy, I might as well put it on record that I'd want to settle in some beach town, but not Bombay, matchbox existence is not what I want right now. 

I was going through my old hand written journals, and I realise that mentally things for me have not changed much. A friendship gone wrong hurts me way more than an affair gone wrong, I guess because according to my idea of love, there is fatality to it, whereas friendship feels timeless. But everything is time bound. I understand the impracticality of love more intricately now. And I also understand my own inability to sustain interest or feelings of love[any kind] for too long, except for my cats and plants - my love for them is forever, and I am damn sure of that. A few memories still hit me like a concrete fence post falling into a pool of water[thanks Barnes]. And that it has not been entirely possible to cut off completely from people I felt hurt by. Because not everytime can you unpick an unwise choice. 

I have extended my leave till the end of this week, then I fly back to Delhi and on the same day I travel to Dehradun to meet A, after some 2-3 years I guess, I dont remember her face but I remember face - get it?

Ma says that work is the antidote to all of this, but what if you feel that you suck at what you do?

Plugging this track by Moby. When I was growing up, the early 2000 channel  [V] playlist would blast Moby so often.

whaddya know

No seriously, whaddya know. I boarded the train armed with my two suitcases and an unnecessarily heavy backpack[looked like the tummy of a pregnant cow], only to get down at the next station because my ticket is for tomorrow's train. Oh man, I know 1001 ways to look like an irresponsible fool. 

On the work front, only a million nasty emails have been exchanged so far, drained beyond my capacity. I'm trying to channel some zen, and not responding to negativity. But some people only want to invisibilize your hard work and if you call out on that, they will try to gaslight you no end. 

I sometimes miss a corporate job, my previous bosses were absolute sweethearts as compared to these monsters I am dealing with right now. It doesnt help that they are part of the larger political fraternity that I organise with. 

I had to drop my cat Farookh at M's place since he very graciously offered to catsit him. Then I was running around buying some regular pound cakes and this one particular pineapple upside down cake at Defence Colony bakery for my mama. Then I went to Orissa state emporium to pick up a sambalpuri cotton. It was fucking hot, the sun was right there, doing its thing, cracking my skull with the heat. I had forgotten to carry a headscarf and my raybans. So I was squinting and puffing my way through the market. The bakery had good air conditioning, and how difficult was it to not drop dead on that cool marble floor snoring. 

I called SS and asked her if she was up for some lunch and buttermilk. SO we decided to meet at Sarvana Bhavan, then we went to this new chain of icecream shops - Havmor. We shared a berry blast sundae, which also pissed me off. I thought that huge white scoop on the blueberry flavoured scoop was vanilla, but damn you, it was just some whipped cream topped with strawberry syrup. <thumbsdown>

I came home, took a long bath. I have these new bath salts which I generally use for my warm/hot foot soaks because the last I could fit this body in that bucket was when I was a year old. I dont have bath tub but I wish I did. Damn.

I spent sometime adding more stuff to my compost pot, and then spent some time tending my plants. Then I went to the local DDA market to buy some beer, bought some vegetables as well. Came home, put on some really cheesy bollywood music and roasted the vegetables while drinking. 

Its just 9:30, but I feel like its twelve or something. My head is heavy but I can't sleep. I have spent so much money this month eating out that I am really ashamed of myself. My struggle with cigarettes continue, I go months without smoking and then one day I start chain-smoking like its going out of style. 

Thievery Corporation: Voyage Libre [loud volume] This is my new shower and dress song

Pause//Play

Having a phenomenally bad time at work, but I am looking forward to going home tomorrow after some 5 years. Yes. My relationship with the family has somewhat improved, though with my brother, it continues to be painful. But I am going home. 

Work life is stressful and precarious right now. I dont know what the fuck is happening, we didnt even get paid this month. Freelance research life sucks. But I feel I shouldnt be complaining much since Ive chosen this for myself. 

At an existential level, Im still discovering myself. Life is uncertain and I lack stability professionally and financially. The money is good but it comes and goes. 

--

You know its always the same fucking drill. Always. Why do I even bother? Friendships are somewhat sustainable. Love, unsustainable. And anyway my idea of love and intimacy has changed so much in the past few years, I mean I dont even relate to my 2012, or even 2013 self.  But isn't it awful when someone is devotedly in love? And you are like what is this feeling even. I was telling a friend, that more than half of my life Ive had depression+anxiety. I think till 2010, most of friends didn't even want to admit it to themselves, forget about helping me to come to terms with it. It has altered me in unspeakable ways, its a fact I am still reconciling with. But you know, how you say this to someone and they have this sympathetic twinkle in their eyes? gross. My idea of love right now is extreme fondness, but beyond that I don't know. Is it to unnatural to be actually happy by yourself? Hm. 

I dropped 16 kgs last year btw. But I drink coffee till my hands shake. 

Polo and K are coming to Delhi next month, we complete a decade of tumultuous friendship.

Currently reading: Home Going by Yaa Gyasi 

Listening to Happy Ending by Parov Stelar. I think its somewhat melancholic, the tune and I think of my great could have been moments when Im listening to it. Needless to say I listen to it often. 

I changed houses this past month. And now I am living alone with my two cats. I have wasted(or not) many languorous hours just drinking coffee and then not being able to work because I had too much coffee.

Huzzah

For the past 5 weeks, I haven't had all this stuff:

1. Sugar in any form, be it vegetable or fruit. Basically no salad dressing even.
2. No carbs, no pulses or legumes, no root vegetables.
3. No wheat, whole or otherwise.
4. No milk or yoghurt.
5. No soda or any kind of junk
6. No cornflour or starch based food.

I ate:

1. Lots of heavy cream, oil(coconut+olive), butter, cheese(all kinds) and cream cheese.
2. Have discovered the wonderful and safe replacement for sugar, Erythritol
3. Free-fed meat and fish and green vegetables like: green beans, peppers, spinach, cauliflower, brocolli, chinese lettuce etc. Took spirulina as well.
4. Learnt how to make my own mayo, almond milk, peanut butter and chocolate almond cupcakes.
5. Discovered the wonderful vegan chia pudding and chocolate mousse.
6. Thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated the simple bengali style vegetable jhols and also thai/korean food.

I've run twice a week, did yoga or pilates on alternate days.

And sisters, I have dropped 7 kgs in 5 weeks. I am a happy woman.

to go on

To buy Redmi phones on Amazon, one must wait for their weekly sales. And within a minute all the mobiles are sold, and you either log off disappointed or buy it for a few extra thousands on Flipkart, and that my friend, I will not.

Just back to Delhi and life feels slow. Boiled four eggs for breakfast and made a cup of coffee. Couldnt eat more than two eggs, my head feels heavy, a fat blunt heavy, but no blunt has been smoked.

Trying to send off work before I get fired. This girl I like, got me some lilies last night and my bedroom smells so nice. Though my cats knocked the vase off atleast twice and there was water all over the table, the second time around I didnt bother picking it up, knowing I'd be up in a couple of hours anyway.

My cats have become more ungrateful than usual, and one of them has become fat. All this when I was gone. I am sure its all the butter roti that my neighbours must be feeding Farookh.

But I think I've found something in you

My headache lasted for 12 days total. 12 days. Yeah, let that sink in, 12 days. 12 fucking days.

I went to the archives today, came back at around 5. Played with the cats for a bit, drank coffee(sans sugar) but loaded with cream. 

Im smoking so many cigarettes. Okay, so maybe not so many, but I am and given that I had completely stopped smoking, its really sad that I am back to smoking 3 a day.

Me and Nella(say hello to one of my closest friends) spent the last week completely baked watching crappy horror movies on this website. One of the movies was called Eat Local, and I guess it was a zombie movie. Eat local, seriously? would they name sequel 'Buy local produce'? I wouldn't surprised though, zombie movies have misplaced sense of horror, and they are generally shit. 

Blasted music in the bathroom while I bathed, I think its an under-rated joy. Also, later I put on a lotus flower serum korean face sheet mask and some classical music for my plants while I tended them. 

For dinner, I am making chocolate mousse(keto) and roasted chicken salad. Waiting for the grocer to send over the stuff so that I can get cooking. 

I have decided to follow this diet till my birthday, which is in September. I just need lots of resolve to not break it. Having been craving rice and pancakes and cupcakes so bad. Though in keto, you can make amazing cup cakes using loads of butter, stevia, almond flour, vanilla essence etc, but I am really having crazy sugar withdrawals so I just dream of having the icing more than the cake. 

Perhaps, post dinner I will have something interesting to write about. 

But I think I've found something in you

you hold my hand so close between yours

all this time I always thought it would be your hand

holding mine..

#sexymigraine

Past week has been hell because of the migraine, it was only in books and websites that headaches went for this long, till it happened to me. My head is a different kind of hell and is always ripping through the time-space continuum, so perhaps this the reason why the headache feels endless, so does my heart ache, and the feeling of ennui. 

Have spent the past 6 hours doing completely brain dead work with full concentration, though it is marred by my heart ache which is dull(and ingenuous, by the simple of virtue of having existed 14 months+), is not just dull, but annoying and persistent. Nothing makes it go away, I have started to fear that this will exist as long as I live. In my own humble opinion, I am hazaar fucked and doomed. Will I always be in love with the wrong people? Will it will always suck? Will I always be five feet besides myself and unhappy?

I have more or less been in the zone but something triggered a host of awful feelings last week, and I find it difficult to breathe.

Delhi summers has been lovely, if I may say so. I mean it showers pretty often, and evenings are pale, breezy and lovely. 

I am making enough money to make ends meet, and do a few other things. It all feels okay till I want to have more perspective and look at the larger picture. Wtf is a larger picture? I don't care if I have everything that I really want tomorrow, because right now is when I want it, because right now seems to extend forever and the tomorrow never really comes. 

Also, dating is generally bullshit in Delhi. Only morons on the offer, wondering if someone feels the same way about me.